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Dearest Chloe-
You are a miracle and miracles rarely happen twice. 4 years ago this week was the scariest day of mommy’s life. After a day of just feeling “off” I asked our family doctor what the difference was between RLP and Braxton Hicks contractions because I had felt dull pain in my lower belly all day long. We were there to get daddy tested for strep since it was going around in their lab. I shrugged it off assuming it was nothing and decided to ask the OB-GYN at my regularly scheduled appointment on Friday. Daddy and I went to lunch at Denny’s (yes he has always loved that place) and then we went home. Less than an hour later we were at the hospital.
Initially they said I was fine. You sounded great on the monitors and they said after a few more hours of observation they planned to send me home. I was so embarrassed. I must have seemed like a crazy person. Your daddy was giving me that look, the one that lets me know my hysterics were utterly ridiculous. I could not stop crying, ugly tears. I was so happy to be wrong. But an hour later they did an ultrasound and the nurse’s face turned white as a ghost. I realized I was right and there was something seriously wrong. Incompetent cervix was the diagnosis. 3cm dilated with a bulging sac of water at only 22 weeks. After a hospital transfer, an amazing doctor willing to attempt an emergency cerclage, and a premature rupture of my water there nothing to do except wait. Best case scenario was to get a few more days without infection for your lungs to develop a bit more. After 2 weeks of waiting without infection, barely moving, the sac resealed.
There was obviously a happy ending. You were born at 38 weeks 4 days and I was finally a mommy. You were healthy. You had ten fingers and ten toes. Your Apgar score was a 9. You were perfect. In that moment the 16 weeks of bedrest, worry, facing the brink of sanity more times than I care to remember or admit, was all worth it. Would I do it again for you? In a heartbeat. Would I do it again now that you are here, likely not. It was very difficult the first time and I can only imagine what it would be like a second time with you to care for at the same time.
So why write this letter? It is hard to write these things. I still cry when I think about it and it’s been 4 years. It weighs on me particularly when people continuously ask when you are going to get a sibling. Or when it is National Sibling Day and Facebook is flooded with images of siblings. I feel guilty you will never have that, but I am eternally grateful for you.
You are a miracle and miracles rarely happen twice. You are my one and only. You are enough.
Love,
Mommy
Next follow the circle around to a new face, Jenn of Jenn V Photography in Phoenix.
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